The Great BMX Race Novelization
by Blue Paratroopa
Summary: A look at an episode of the disturbing cartoon series. In this one, the Mario Bros. must race to save Toad's life...but when Bowser's Koopalings enter the race as well...


This story is based off of the great novelizations by NintendoMaxiums...and yes, I did get permission. This one is of "The Great BMX Race" and it shows my general attitude towards how hilariously awful the cartoon really was.

* * *

The Angry Sun glared down on the Koopahari Desert (otherwise known as Desert Land or Desert Hill or some other random name Nintendo is constantly changing just to bug us) where Mario, Luigi, Princess Peach, and Toad drove. They had just been robbed. The last night, the Wario Bros. had overrun the castle, kidnaped the four heros, and dumped them off in the desert with nothing but a bathtub-like bike that was found in the garage.

"Well, let's all be...uh...optimistic," smiled Mario. "We're still alive, right? Besides, me and Luigi ran the Fire Bros. out of Desert Land months ago, so we won't have to worry about them!" Everyone glared at him. No one was feeling very happy. "Toad," suggested Mario, "how about you do something, you know, amusing?"

"If you expect me to jump around acting like a moron for no reason," snapped Toad, "you've got another thing coming!"

"We'll find a warp pipe to Wario Ware Inc. and get our stuff there," explained Mario. "Till then, put on a happy face!" Peach smacked Mario with her umbrella. Even she wasn't in a good mood today.

At that moment, a flame spurted out of nowhere. It hit Toad, knocking him onto the desert sand. A living flame called Fryguy flew out. "You're lucky I wasn't usin' my full flame power, or you'd be nothin' but a stuffed mushroom cap now, ya deadbeat!"

Toad scrambled up. "Yikes! It's Fryguy!"

"We all know who I am, idiot," hissed Fryguy. "Ya owe me 60 gold coins! Pay up by sundown, or I'll turn you into fried fungus!"

"You owe him money?" asked Luigi.

"Yeah," admitted Toad. "We were playing some Mario Party games, and we had a wager...I lost."

"Wario and Waluigi took all our money," said Peach. "We can't pay you!"

"Then find a way to get some!" Fryguy pointed to a poster on a cactus. "Maybe you can win the prize money from the great BMX race!"

"A bike race," Mario said to himself. "Well, we have a bike...and we're good with races...we'll do it!"

"Aww," said Luigi, "I want a mushroom cap!"

The Mario Bros. found the starting line and waited. "This race isn't so great," remarked Mario. "There's no one here!"

Suddenly, the ground rumbled. Several other bikers raced out. They were Mario's enemies: Mouser, Tryclyde, Ludwig, Roy, Wendy, Larry, Bowser Jr, and a random Troopa.

"Well, well, well," sneered Roy, "we've got two shrimps in the race!"

"Shrimpy shrimps," added Larry.

"I say we just kick them out now," said Wendy. "They're totally cramping my style!"

Morton Koopa Jr. floated above them riding a Lakitu cloud. "And I, the handsome, awesome, wonderful voiced, Morton Koopa Jr, will announce the whole fast, double dash race we're about to have! On the count of three! Three...two...two and a half...two and a quarter...two and an eight...two and a twelfth..."

"Just say GO!" yelled the racers.

"Have it your way, buncha impatient...GO!"

The Mario Bros were remarkably in first place. The others all followed steadily, aside from Mouser, who had fallen off of his bike. "I don't have to deal with this," he mumbled to himself. Pulling a bomb out of nowhere, he used the explosion to rocket himself ahead of everyone. "That really hurt, but it was worth it!" Seconds later, Mouser splattered against a huge boulder in cartoonish fashion.

Peach and Toad watched from the sidelines, cheering for their friends. Once they passed, Peach turned to Toad. "There's something going on here! If the Koopalings are in the race, that can only mean someone else is nearby..."

Peach was right. Turning around, they spied Bowser in the distance with Wario. "Well done, boys," said Bowser. "Now that they're in the race, my kids and the others will finally get rid of those Mario Bros!"

"We get paid for this, right?" hinted Wario.

"You robbed the castle! What more do you want! Besides, your stupid brother seems to like his treasure!" Bowser pulled a curtain aside, showing Waluigi wearing Toad's hat and Peach's dress.

"Hoo yeah, this stuff pays for itself...HEY! I SAID NO LOOKING!"

Peach and Toad had crawled over for a closer look. Suddenly, a fishing rob nabbed both of them. "And the action is heating up," came Morton's voice from above. "The race is going well, and we've hooked a couple of spying fans! I'm sure our all-knowing King Dad will know what to do with this pair!"

"I don't know what's worse," said Peach. "Us getting caught, or Waluigi in my dress..."

"Totally Waluigi," said Toad.

Mario and Luigi were rounding another bend when Mario spied a restaurant. "Hey, it's a pasta pit stop! Located conveniently on the track!"

Mario drove his bike in, and Luigi followed. "Mario, don't you wonder where the heck this restaurant came from? I mean, first the Koopas, now..."

"No talk. Food."

The owner came out. He was an oddly tall, scaly man. "Hello, men. Want some free pasta?"

Mario's eyes lit up. "YES! Please, yes, please, yes, really, now, want, yes, pasta, hungry, hungry, hungry for pasta, free pasta!"

"Just a second," smiled the owner. He walked back into the kitchen and took off his overcoat to reveal...Iggy and Lemmy standing on top of each other! "Now we'll..." started Lemmy.

"Add the poison mushroom!" finished Iggy. The Koopa grabbed a poison mushroom and a cheese grater, grinding it into the pasta. Forgetting to put their disguise back on, the Koopalings ran out and thrust the pasta onto Mario.

"Mario!" cried Luigi. "It's Iggy and Lemmy!"

"Don't care, pasta!" Mario gulped down the pasta and began to shake. Iggy and Lemmy danced around him, chanting "poison" again and again. Instead of falling over dead, Mario shrank!

Lemmy slapped his forehead. "Man, we used the kind that was used in 'Super Smash Bros. Melee!' That didn't kill him, it just shrunk him!"

Luigi began to pound on Lemmy. "You're gonna get it now, you little brat!"

Iggy calmly jumped on Mario, flattening the tiny plumber. Luigi gasped in horror. "MARIO!"

Suddenly, Mario popped back into his normal size. "Oh yeah," said Iggy, " I forgot those things don't last too long..."

After beating the two little Koopas to pulps, Mario and Luigi sped off. "Well, at least that poison pasta tasted good."

At that moment, Larry and Bowser Jr rammed the Mario Bros. from behind and disappeared in a flash of dust, laughing. Luigi got up. "I doubt they're doing this on purpose. How are we gonna get out of this?"

"We don't. Toad needs us!" Mario turned around to see they were again being followed. Roy and Ludwig's cars had been converted to rockets and were flying after them quickly. "MAMA MI-A!" cried Mario.

A stream of Bullet Bills hit the bikes, sending Mario and Luigi over a cliff. IS THIS THE END OF OUR PLUMBERS! Read on, idiot.

Mario and Luigi dangled over certain doom. "Mario, do something!"

"You know the plumber's motto, Luigi!"

"'When the going gets tough, the tough get plumbing?'"

"...No. 'Be ready for anything!'"

"Oh...those are both pretty bad mottos."

"Shut up."

Mario threw a plunger onto the cliff above them. It stuck, saving the plumbers. Mario and Luigi managed to climb up and get back on their bikes. "Let's go!"

The Koopalings, Mouser, the Troopa, and Tryclyde were slowly riding towards the finish line, laughing over their victory. The Mario Bros. zoomed past, also laughing.

"They're alive!" shrieked Ludwig. "Curses!"

"I'll catch up with them!" yelled Mouser. He whipped out a Bob-Omb and blasted himself away again. Like the last time, he splattered against a rock.

"Why does he keep doing that?" asked the Troopa.

"I think it gives him pleasure," said Ludwig. The group shuddered and chased after the Mario Bros.

Peach and Toad, meanwhile, found themselves tied up by a huge sleeping Cobrat, unable to escape. "This is terrible," moaned Peach. "Yet interesting. He's never tied us with a snake before."

"It's nice when they surprise us like this," said Toad. He noticed that every time the Cobrat snored, it moved a little. "Hey, when he exhales again, let's squeeze outta here!" With some struggling, the two managed to squirm out.

"Now to help Mario and Luigi!"

The Cobrat woke up a few seconds later and found out that he was wrapped around nothing. He called for Bowser.

"Come on!" yelled Bowser. "They're not supposed to escape! Get them, my random minions!"

A few Troopas ran after them, but fell all over themselves before getting even three feet. Bowser angrily kicked a shell. "They're gonna be Koopa-tized!" The shell flew into a wall, only to bounce back and hit Bowser. "I'm gonna Koopa-tize HIM, too."

"I bet you don't even know what 'Koopa-tizing' someone means," said Wario.

"Shut up," said Bowser.

Meanwhile, Mario calmly drove around singing "I Get Around" until Luigi stopped him. "Mario, you want to get us sued?"

"Sorry."

Suddenly, they were surrounded by the evil other racers, each one holding a dangerous weapon. "Well, Luigi, it looks like the end."

Luigi rolled his eyes. "No, really?"

"Unless," said Mario. "We used...PASTA POWER!"

The Koopalings all screeched and backed up. "Mario, I gotta be honest," whispered Luigi. "I hate pasta power. That song and dance we always have to do is really annoying, and I'm still not sure what pasta power even is!"

"It's okay, neither do they," replied Mario.

They paused and spied a vegetable garden. "Or," said Mario, "we could just throw food at them."

"Sounds good," said Luigi. The two brothers jumped for the vegetables and threw them at the Koopas. Seeing as this was the Mushroom world, vegetables oddly did a lot of damage. Soon the Koopalings, Tryclyde, and the random Troopa were running for their lives. Mouser had already blown himself up.

"Looks like we won by default," smiled Mario. He stared at Luigi for a few seconds.

"What?" said Luigi.

"Now you're supposed to say, 'It's not my fault!'"

"That's an awful joke."

"I know. Say it."

Suddenly, Peach and Toad ran over. "Mario! The race was a fake! It was just one of Bowser's traps!"

"We sorta figured that out," groaned Mario. "So was Fryguy real or not?"

"That's never really cleared up," said Toad.

Bowser drove by on a bike with Wario and Waluigi. Attached to the back was a wagon full of their stuff...it was a big wagon. "Let's get outta here!"

"GET BOWSER!" yelled Mario and Luigi. The four heros jumped back on the bikes and the chase was once again on.

Morton watched from the cloud. "Now our adventure is complete, finished, done, final, ended..." This continued until he was hit by a random vegetable.

* * *

Well, that was it. I actually chose a decent episode to do. There are worse ones out there (I'm not even going near "Bad Rap," which is painful to even think about). 


End file.
